|Just for a picture- some pyrography I played with last night|
I have been on a different path for a long time - different than mainstream, anyway. I have travelled a lot and learned a lot, but some part of me was inevitably still in the old system of competition, scarcity, accomplishment.
All the time I felt I had to justify my way of living by "doing something with it" - turn my years of travelling into something.. something what? Profitable? I am not even sure!
That is part of the reason why I started this blog - I got so many questions from people on how to start travelling, and so on, so I thought I would write about it, I even wanted to write a book. I was even quite excited about it - to begin with.
But I have also been learning how to be a mother lately. How to stand still, and I am still learning so incredibly much! I don't know how to be a teacher, at least not yet, things are going so fast around me, that I don't have time to put the past into words, and it's falling further and further back now.
I was becoming stressed out! I wrote down a million excited blog titles I wanted to write, but felt so bad that I never wrote any of them, never managed to share this and that, never managed to paint all these amazing pictures, have an impressive website, portfolio and so on. I did things, but in a hurry, so I could get to the next, on the never ending list.
There is nothing wrong with ideas, but please don't let them become obligations!
So you know what - I am leaving it all! Let the past be past, yes there was a lot of wisdom and fun and learning, but let others learn it their ways. I don't have to teach about things that for me is already long gone. I am busy enough learning new things! And I don't really want to be busy, so I am leaving my 'busyness' too!
I have been obsessed with having to have some new art to show, being visible, self-promoting, searching for commissions, having a business, 'making a living'. I wanted to be successful, I felt small and insignificant among all the others.
But when I got commissions, it didn't really make me happy. Just stressed that I had to do some new thing that I didn't have time to do whole-heartedly.
I've even been obsessed with having to show how busy I am and why I haven't been updating this and that or done more!
Enough of all this!
I won't stress about updating my blog, my portfolio, my website any more. I won't even think about painting new pictures or write down lists of all I want to do.
No more self-promotion or justifying. I just want to be. Quiet. Happy. Relaxed. Excited.
I want to feel the moment, be the mother, concentrate on the things that makes us thrive. Good food, playfulness, patience, nature.
I might feel like writing a long post about a previous experience, or feel inspired to update my portfolio and web shop, and then I'll do it, but just then. I don't need to do any of it. No more should's.
If I get a commission, I'll probably take it. But I won't ask for it any more.
I'll paint pictures that nobody needs to see, that just need to be because they want to! Then They will get onto the internet if they want that too.
And I'll still happily work in gift economy - no more nervous prices. Just honesty, transparency and giving.
If 'my economy' collapses, I'll probably find a way. There are more types of economies than money,and the more I leave money behind, the more I will probably find myself in the gift.
Be what will be. I'll only ask for health and happiness from now on!